So here I am on a Monday morning, working on my grocery list that I started LAST Thursday!
I think I might be done (ya before the week I’m planning for is over). Now I just have to motivate myself to go out 🙂 You all know what I mean. If I go out, I will actually have to change out of my PJ’s – which means I get to play ‘what fits me?’ again as I peruse all the clothes I used to wear before my belly stretched out in huge proportions and will never stuff back into my pants the same again. I also will have to put on some make up – which takes time and can be a challenge while little Dino screams for affection, attention or food. Oh! and the thinning rat’s nest I call ‘hair’ on the top of my head needs attention – there is no hope. Man! I can just wear a baseball cap to deal with that but then I have to re-evaluate my outfit – it still has to match! come on! I still have some standards!
So I was thinking about some scary things – I touched on two above. You may think they are silly but these are real, true, legitimate fears! Don’t mock me. I wonder if any of you are afraid of the same things? By the way, I started this post yesterday, it is now Tuesday and no I was not able to motivate myself to do any groceries yesterday. Back to my scary list.
1. Going Bald
I mean – I heard women lose hair after having a baby but no one mentioned the mass clumps they come out in. I do not joke! I was washing my hair – yes a rare occasion these days – and my hands were literally covered in hair. I had hair mitts! YES! Mittens made of my hair – with NO HOLES! I wonder if I could somehow weave the hairs together and sell hair mitts? – they sure do keep you warm. I know in the winter, the back of my neck stays warm with what used to be thick hair…why not hands too? I guess I can always wear wigs – that would solve the washing my hair dilemma.
2. Someone stealing little D from his room via his window
Yes, it might sound silly to you but I watch movies and TV and this is a very normal occurrence. This was one of the reasons I struggled with putting little Dino in his own room. The other day, there was a glitch with little D’s monitor, the screen froze. (Yes, we have video monitors – Mr. D likes technology and toys 🙂 ) Anyways, I had already gotten little D from his crib and brought him back to my room, yet the monitor was still showing little D in his crib! What? then I thought I foiled a kidnapper’s plan to steal my precious little guy. Listen people, they do this in the movies all the time. You know when robbers are planning to break in to a heavily monitored building? They freeze the monitors so that security guards THINK they are looking at empty hallways, when in fact, there is a major heist going on. You see…so maybe a kidnapper froze our monitors so we would THINK little D was sleeping in his crib when in fact they were in his room trying to take him! We would never know until it was too late! Luckily, I got him before they had a chance and we haven’t had an issue with the monitors since – that we know of.
3. Projectile poop
I have heard of projectile poop but have not experienced it yet. I fear this every time I change little D! Have you ever been cleaning your child and they are exposed and they let a huge fart rip!?? This has happened a few times and I jump TEN feet but so far nothing has escaped but air. I fear the day this happens! I will probably be dressed up for a wedding or something fancy and will end up with it in my hair and it will shoot across the room, all over the dresser/lamp and carpet 😦 You know how on CSI when they use those funky lights to find traces of blood in rooms? If CSI had that same contraption for pee, they’d find it on the walls, lamp and yes, carpet. We’ve cleaned it up as best we can but poo – that’s another story!
4. Dino’s Flat Head
I hadn’t really thought much of it until last week in my mom and baby group. Someone mentioned how paranoid they are about their baby having a flat head and then a few of the other moms piped up with the same fear. Then there was talk of seeing specialists and wearing helmets and so on. It wasn’t until then that we started noticing little D’s head has gotten flat in the back. WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? A kid this age is supposed to sleep 16-18 hours a day – this is what we’re told. We are also told to lie them on their backs to sleep to reduce the risk of SIDS. If you spen
t 18 hours a day lying on the back of your head – wouldn’t it go flat!?? and then doctors are concerned!??? What the heck!??? I don’t want little D wearing a helmet! I saw a kid in the mall once with this helmet and it is NOT cute!!! ugggg Can you imagine a bald mother with a helmet head baby?
5. Never have a flat tummy again
I use the term ‘flat tummy’ loosely as one might argue it never really was. I was shocked to find out that you still look 7 months pregnant after having your baby! I mean, they removed at least 10 pounds (baby plus icky fluids), why didn’t it look that way? Seeing how dismally slow the stomach actually shrinks is depressing. Do I actually have to do work to try to make it smaller? When is that supposed to happen? I didn’t have much time before baby, and you think I have time after? I have very few clothes to wear – I can’t fit in my pregger pants – they’re too loose. I can’t fit in my non-pregger pants – they’re too tight! oh what is a girl to do!? Yes, some of you might say shop but 1) on what budget? my maternity leave budget!? ha! 2) who wants to buy fat pants? – doesn’t make me feel good at all. For now, elastic waste pants it is! Whoever invented the elastic is a genios!!!
Anyone else share the same fears? or what else? I left out the obvious of little D getting sick or hurting himself somehow cause thats pretty normal – but again, I think the above is normal too.
OH I BETTER GO! I just heard the ‘gurgle-swish’ sound. Better go investigate before it leaks!